Oh no! Oh no because I really like him but I'm walking on thin ice.  Oh no because it's scary to like somebody who might not like you back.  I feel like I'm in high school but he makes me want to be a better person and I've always known that this could be the biggest mistake of my life.

I miss you all the time and I even miss this but I don't miss the tears or the heartache.  My heart is heavy when I think that you're gone but, all the rest of the time, it's light and sometimes it skips beats and I can't pretend that I've never missed the thrill of meeting new people.  I don't know where I'm going with this but I think that, as much as I love the thrill, I'd give it up a million times over to be with you if you loved me like I know you can (someday).  All of this is fun but I do know that there isn't anybody else out there for me but you.  You're it and thinking about it makes me want to cry and exalt simultaneously (cry because you're so far away and possibly so incapable of loving me and exalt because I've been blessed with your presence in my life).

Things are different now and I wish you were here to see but I suppose that that would defeat the purpose (or keep things exactly the same as they were).  I don't know if you remember me before but I used to have a certain ability to command attention that I lost or gave up because I thought it would make you love me right.  I found it hidden deep in the corners of my old self, under the cover of a once girlfriend and once lover. 

I think I always knew that I couldn't thrive with you here.  Loving you stunted my growth from the very beginning and I tried to avoid it but you wanted it so bad.   You wanted me yours and I wanted to belong to everybody - not in a lustful way but I knew that it was selfish to want to belong to myself and now I think it was selfish that you wanted me to be yours (especially since you regretted it so soon after, and refused to stay so many times, and broke my heart and maybe made me cynical - but probably not).  

I don't know what I want from this or what conclusion I've come to (or maybe I know that I am incapable of coming to a conclusion - which sounds about right to me) but I'm absolutely and resolutely decided on these factors:
I love you (and I've really loved you for so long that it shouldn't be passionate but it still is and I'm convinced it always will be, even if this is just a teenage ideal - and, i can assure you, it will only be a teenage ideal for another 18 hours)  
I don't need you (the way you want to be needed, at least).  I think I've never wanted to belong to anybody fully.  I've never wanted to feel possessed and I think you need that, both the feeling of possession and the feeling of being possessed.  

Right now, I believe that, in an ideal world, you and I would love each other when you come back but without labels because they complicate things and I've always known it, too.  I'm happy now because I love you but also because I can be independent.  I only want to be happy forever.  If you are the person that made me the happiest and the saddest i've ever been (but usually not concurrently), what does that make you? There's time for this but I suppose that i can continue thinking about how much you mean to me for the time being, and focus on how much I will mean to you (because that really is the issue at large).  

Maybe when you love me I will be able to figure this out more clearly.  Until then, my love. 

Clothes scattered across the floor after a wild explosion of lust. Legs tangled, hearts racing, fingers laced together in the dimly lit room that has never been inhabited by any other lovers quite like us.  Whispering the sounds of passion until they grow louder and louder into screams that cannot be contained.  Sustained. Release but it's not over. Panting and thrusting and tension building until it's too much to handle.  Fall down and collapse into me with one deep breath when it's all over. 

jk.